People pleasing = Self Sabotage
This is one of the most common issues women in particular face. I would probably go even as far to call it a pandemic because it is something ingrained in women from childhood, especially in the patriarchal society that we’ve been brought up in, especially if you are a millennial.
I was always taught that I had to serve the men of my family first, dinner, cups of tea, that kind if thing. This may sound extreme but this consistent unspoken rule subliminally taught me that I had to put other peoples needs before my own, which lead me to believe that caregiving was my purpose, that as a woman, I was second class to men.
This is notion has been reinforced as it is seen across so many career paths, even in the dancing industry when it comes to male dancers, they often get the roles not based on their ability, but because they’re so few of them in the industry, the male dancers sometimes are technically not strong as a female dancers, but because the cast these men they get chosen!
I digress, this blog isn’t about patriarchy, I used this point to showcase how women have been taught to put themselves last, too reiterate people pleasing is when we put our needs second to someone else’s, more often than not it’s done in a way to support the other person as an act of love, however, this may be controversial. but my opinion is that people pleasing is an act of self sabotage.
Hear me out! When we put other peoples needs before our own consistently we are telling ourselves that we are not worthy of being chosen first, that our opinion is not as important as opinion of someone else, and or that our needs are nowhere near as important as someone else’s. When that happens, when we’ve been putting everyone else needs before our own we end up feeling resentful and my absolute worst personality trait that I despise with a passion passive aggression! -When you are aggressive, you are telling someone what to do, when you are passive you allow someone else to tell you what to do when you are passive aggressive you take away the other person’s choice to make a decision because you are making it for them. - Reference the amazing Dr Edith Edgar. I believe that passive aggression is a strand of manipulation! So how do we combat that? Well the best cure for passive aggression is assertiveness ,by that I mean knowing what you want, being clear on it and knowing you are worthy of it. To be decisive! What it is you want and need? When we are clear on that it breaks the old habitual pattern of putting ourself last.
Some of you are thinking ok great thanks but how do I combat people pleasing as a whole? I got you, you might not like it BUT, the number one way to quit people pleasing is boundaries! I talk about boundaries all the time, setting boundaries is the biggest most strongest act of self-respect we can take, because when we have strong boundaries we don’t allow people to walk all over us, we know what it is we want for ourselves, from our lives and from the people around us. We also know the role that each person plays in our life and where they sit, I know personally the people in my life that are non-negotiables, the people I need to speak and when I need to speak to them!
I have a lot of people in my life that want my time and attention, so I have had to really focus on getting clear on who deserves my attention constantly, and who only who has it when I can give it. At certain times in my life I have given far too much and the exchange was not even, now it’s not a list of who’s your favourite friends or family it’s about who also gives in the same energy, I am not trying to say that I have friends and family that just take, but a lot of my life I did, so I’ve had to negotiate where people sit in my life and to understand peoples intentions.
Unfortunately in life in general, there are givers and there are takers and because I’m such a giving person I’ve often met a lot of takers. I’ve said this before in another blog that relationships need to be a mutual exchange of energy, which my friendships are now through setting my boundaries. An example of honouring my own boundaries looks like knowing I can respond to a short couple of text messages easily over a 10 minute voice note, that’s not to prioritise who is important, that is a boundary on my time, and I will allocate time to listen to that voice note when I have the capacity. Setting these new boundaries transformed my relationships because the people in my life understand and respect them, ultimately because I respect myself. As I mentioned earlier, that’s where people pleasing completely dissolved, when each person understands that they should be their own priority, we stop expecting anything from anyone else and ask for what we need or give it to ourselves 1st. That’s where balance is found, when we can all prioritise ourselves, the people in our lives get the best of us because we aren’t showing up when we’re half full, we’re showing up when our cup is completely full, so we all get that shiny most abundant most happiest version of ourselves!
To reiterate, people pleasing is an act of self sabotage and the way to combat that is through deep self-respect, because when you respect yourself, the whole world will respect you too! You are a mirror to your universe!
For tips and tools and how you can work on your boundaries I’ve just released my worksheets that are available on my website here, this is a great way for you to find out your inner thoughts and feelings. Write down and figure out your boundaries and have them somewhere you can see it, it makes them tangible and not just in your mind. This is me giving you the tools to do the work for you, and as always, if you need additional support, I have 1:1 services available, click here to find out more.
Love and light xx